take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
