Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
