I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
