i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
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one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
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Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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