I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
