yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
