You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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