i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
