Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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