Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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