I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
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Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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