Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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