Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Watching her eat just hurts me
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
