The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
