Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
