I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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