Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
