i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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