You just made me feel so damn special
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
