I bet he comes in French.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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