god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
