i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
