that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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