And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
