I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
