i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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