here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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