I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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