this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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