Only a mothe r could love this liver
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
