I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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