I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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