if you like me you must not know who I am
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
