Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
