Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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