he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
