It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
