oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
