Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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