my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
