my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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