Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
