So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
