Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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