Pants 0. Shit 1.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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