pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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