I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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