This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
