I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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