Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
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I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
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I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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