My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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