You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
