i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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