good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize