i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
